Everyone's favorite satirical news outlet, The Onion, released its state-by-state COVID-19 restrictions this week. Needless to say the installments for New Hampshire, Maine and Massachusetts are laugh-out-loud funny.

For clarity, the COVID-19 restrictions below are not real. They were published by The Onion, which is a satire-based website designed to spoof real news outlets.

With that out of the way, let's check out what The Onion had to say about COVID-19 restrictions on the Seacoast.

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  • All children required to attend remote learning except for a gang of misfits banding together to destroy an ancient evil.
  • Acadia National Park ordered to keep on lookin’ gorgeous.
  • Residents urged to remain isolated in their remote, mist-strewn lighthouses.


  • All drunken bar fights must spill out onto the streets by 10 p.m.
  • Hundreds of Dunkin’s cited for not being 6 feet away from next closest Dunkin’.

New Hampshire

  • Residents are urged to promote social distancing by continuing their longstanding practice of shunning any and all outsiders.

Once again, these are not actual COVID-19 restrictions and are meant to be a joke from The Onion.

My personal favorite is the Dunkin' locations not being at least 6 feet apart in Massachusetts. In all honesty, it's not that much of a stretch by The Onion, either. When I lived in downtown Boston, some Dunkin' locations in my immediate vicinity (Park Street, Beacon Hill) were not much further than 6 feet apart.

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