As it apparently boasts too many parking spots and not enough traffic, the city of Boston recently decided it needed to do something to get more people to visit.

Officials threw a lot of money at a new campaign aimed to attract visitors. $7 million, to be exact. And after each dollar was counted, The Hub emerged with a tagline worth every penny.

“Boston Never Gets Old.”

So…gather around, children! It’s time to visit the historic Middle-Aged North Church!

The tagline is just part of the campaign, according to the Boston Globe. But still…what?

Isn’t the entire “charm” of the city that it is, in fact, quite old? We’re not doing this with everything, are we? Respectfully, “The Freedom Trail and/or Bicycle Path” doesn’t really hit the same note. I’m also not sure the British would care if we tossed White Claws into the harbor.

It feels like the “Never Gets Old” tagline is the Bunker Hill of this war. A nice effort, but we can do better. So, here are a few other suggestions for Boston tourism taglines:

What Are You Smilin’ At??

Welcome to Beantown – Where Nobody Calls It That

Where 50 States Meet 50 Wahlberg Brothers

We Also Can’t Spell “Faneuil” Without Spellcheck

There’s a Guy Walkin’ a Freakin’ Squirrel!

Dial 911 for Emergency, 912 for Dunkin

This Town’s Hotter Than a Fire on the Orange Line

There’s a Guy Walkin’ a Freakin’ Robot!

You Here to Buy the Red Sox???

We Think Whitey’s Dead…

Go Back to New York!

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