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‘The Bachelor’ Recap – Sean Falls Off a Building and Models for Harlequin Books. You Know, Typical Date Stuff.

The Bachelor 2013
ABC

New episodes of ‘The Bachelor’ — ABC’s ‘Sister Wives’ for the dating pool and cable-deprived — resumed Monday night with Sean continuing to sift through the lot of ladies like he was picking bananas in the supermarket.

The episode kicked off with the gratuitous shot of Sean lifting weights (just to remind viewers he’s still chiseled, in case they’ve forgotten in the week since we saw him last). He pumped his iron and then made time to go on a bevy of dates.

Here’s how it all went down:

Date #1

The inaugural date went to Sarah. Don’t pretend you don’t remember she’s the one-armed gal you feel compelled to root for because she has one arm. After learning she would be going on a one-on-one date, Sarah reminded us, “Just because I have one arm doesn’t mean we can’t have fun.” Well, unless Sean was planning a date involving archery, she’s right.

She also said that her ability to love isn’t affected by how many arms she has, in case you thought there was indeed truth to the rumor there is a correlation between lack of appendages and capability of affection.

Like most first dates, a helicopter arrived at the house where the ladies are living rent-free and out stepped Sean to pick up Sarah while the girls stood by in a pool of their own drool and envy. And like most first dates, they go to the top of a building where Sean announces they will enjoy a champagne toast. But, wait! Because this is ‘The Bachelor,’ you know there’s a twist.

In this case, they have to free fall 300 feet down the building. Because nothing says romance like forcing your handicapped date to face uncertain death.

Sarah is terrified, but wants to prove she can do it and even says, “The only thing keeping me calm in Sean.” Well, maybe she should try Xanax. They jump. She screams. He’s impressed she was willing to do it. It’s like they faithfully followed the script producers envisioned as she proved that she while she may only have one arm, she has plenty of heart.

They later wind down with some wine, following ‘Bachelor’ rule number 37: Always drink liquor when given the opportunity.

Sarah then opens up and tells a story how she was once prohibited from ziplining in Las Vegas because of her missing arm, which is eye-opening because it disproves the long-held and popular notion you can do anything in Sin City as long as it stays there. She says her dad told her she will need a man who can handle things like that, which we guess is why she’s on ‘The Bachelor’ and not match.com where there’s no section about how to take care of one-armed women for men to fill out.

Consider the date a success. Sarah declares, “He is the perfect guy for me.” They go up to a roof where Sean gives Sarah a rose and a kiss, causing her to gush, “I think I’m falling in love with Sean.” Yikes.

Date #2

Now that Hugh Hefner is off the market, the void of one man tooling around with multiple women now falls solely to the bachelor and Sean faithfully upheld his duty here. Thirteen — 13! — women are whisked away in a limo (enjoying drinks on the way, natch) to a ridiculous mansion where Sean is waiting for them. The women are in awe, somehow unaware that ABC probably paid to rent the abode and the limo.

As it turns out, the women will take part in a Harlequin photo shoot, posing in a bunch of getups with Sean while he channels his inner Fabio. It’s here we start to learn the girls have some issues with Tierra, who’s being painted as this season’s villain.

The date itself plays to Kristy’s strength because, conveniently, she’s a model. She wins. Wins what, you ask? Her work is so good she gets to appear with Sean on three covers. Congrats, Kristy – you’ll soon be in the $1 bin at the four B. Daltons that remain in business.

After a hard day of modeling, Sean and his desperate band of damsels go out for drinks, because of the aforementioned rule number 37 (Pay attention.). What ensues is a parade of quick one-on-one meetings, the likes of which we haven’t seen since back-to-school night in grade school.

Lesley M. steals some alone time with Sean and they have some awkward moments where both want to kiss each other. She proclaims to the camera that she’s a traditional Southern girl who wants him to make the first move. And we all know it’s a rite of passage among traditional Southern girls to go on a reality show to degrade themselves in order to catch a man.

Well, after her alone time with Sean, Lesley interrupts his private time with someone else and goes in for the kiss. You go, desperately-needing-validation girl!

Later, Kacie B. and Sean, who’ve met at some random events we’re not privy to specifically knowing about, discuss how they’d like to go all Lewis and Clark and explore their relationship, since they already know each other. Sean also assures Tierra he wants to keep her around, too, which is as romantic as you can get when you’re on a date with a dozen other women.

And if you were wondering when someone would voluntarily remove herself from the competition, wonder no more. Katie says she’s uncomfortable being there, a fact that’s not surprising since her hair looked like it was the result of some unfortunate electrical contact. She tells Sean she’s not adjusting well and announces she’s going home. But, hey, at least Katie made it onto national TV, which will be a neat story to tell the grandchildren she will never, ever have.

At the end of the evening, Sean gathers the 12 women and hands out the rose to Kacie. Tierra had the natural reaction most women would have, saying, “I wanted to punch her.” Totally not frightening.

Date #3

Sean takes Desiree to an art exhibit. But because Sean is such a funny guy, he decides to play a joke on her. And not just any joke. We’re talking about a joke that was just plain dumb.

It turns out the exhibit isn’t real and the event is rigged so that it will look like Desiree broke a piece worth $1.5 million. Desiree is all by herself while Sean watches the scene on closed-circuit TV — and the piece of art breaks. The actor posing as an artist barges in and acts devastated before Sean comes in and announces it’s all a joke in a prank so bad you would never see it on ‘Punk’d.’

After the inexplicable success of said joke, Sean and Desiree head back for dinner at his place. And by “his place,” we mean the absurdly nice house in L.A. that ABC is footing the bill for. He magically whips up a steak dinner (wait – when does he have time to go grocery shopping when he’s dating enough women to declare a fire hazard?). They have wine (rule 37) and talk about families (rule 88), realizing they have similar types of backgrounds.

We don’t know if they waited an hour to properly digest their food, but the next thing you know they’re in bathing suits in the hot tub (‘Bachelor’ rule 96: always be in a hot tub when the opportunity presents itself) and drinking wine. He gives her the rose and she thinks she’s being funny by contemplating whether or not to take it.

She’s quickly falling head over wet heels by revealing, “I already feel like he’s my boyfriend.” As stalkers say.

Cocktail party

Sean walks in with a tie so thin it was diagnosed with anorexia and the evening is underway. In what is really nothing more than the dating version of prisoners pleading for parole, the women try to make time with Sean so he’ll keep them around. He chats with Lindsay about the importance of family (‘Bachelor’ rule 119: everyone must come from a great family).

After meeting several women, Sean learns what every other ‘Bachelor’ star has before him: figuring out which women shouldn’t get roses will be very tough.

The women have uber-issues with Amanda because all she seems to do is sulk around them, but gets chipper when Sean is around. That’s a good point. After all, it’s totally unreasonable for a woman to turn inward when surrounded by 17 other females she doesn’t know and feel gleeful when a hot guy pays any attention to her. Sure enough, when Amanda sits with Sean, she’s so bubbly you’d think she’s carbonated.

Robyn, meanwhile, politely asks Sean his feelings about dating women of other races. Spoiler alert: He’s cool with it. As if he’d give any other answer. Come on, Robyn – he’s a 21st century renaissance man, not Archie Bunker.

Rose Ceremony

The floral industry had a good night, since Sean handed out 15 roses. Unfortunately, Brooke didn’t make the cut. Ironically, she’s African-American, so he won’t have a Tommy Lee Jones in ‘Lincoln’-type romance with her. And poor Diana is the other loser of the evening. Really, though, she shouldn’t have been surprised. She has two kids and lives in Utah. That’s not the kind of all-inclusive package a man on the prowl is looking for.

Stay tuned next week when Sean continues embarking on dates most normal people would ever ever go on.

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