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Oscars 2013 – Infrequently Asked Questions

2013 Oscars
Kevin Winter, Getty Images/Fox Searchlight Pictures/Stuart Wilson, Getty Images

It’s that time of year again, when the weather is chilly and we all read Wikipedia entries on American foreign policy in Afghanistan so we don’t sound like idiots while discussing ‘Zero Dark Thirty.’ Oscar season is here!

This year’s race is a doozy, and it’s safe to say you’ve got some questions. Well, we’ve got answers! While we can’t guarantee the accuracy of these answers, we can guarantee they’ll at least be as helpful as those “Frequently Asked Questions” articles you see on various websites around Oscar season. Read on, answer seekers!

What time are the Oscars on?

The Oscars will air Sunday, February 24th, at 7pm|4pmc on ABC. In the future, you can find out this type of information by consulting any of the hundreds of thousands of websites dedicated solely to telling you what time television programs will be airing. Or you can open your window and yell, “What time are the Oscars on??” Someone will help you out eventually.

What is time?

Time is a measurable duration of an event, action or process. As William Penn once wrote, “Time is what we want most, but what we use worst.”

How do you pronounce Quvenzhané Wallis?

Quvenzhane Wallis
Fox Searchlight Pictures

The ‘Beasts of the Southern Wild’ nominee’s name is pronounced Kwe-VEN-zhah-nay. It rhymes with “queasy vision mayonnaise,” which is also the title of a lost Frank Zappa album.

Use it in a sentence.

“Willow Smith is currently losing roles to Quvenzhané.”

Ouch. That’s pretty harsh. How do you know I’m not Willow Smith’s agent?

Are you Willow Smith’s agent?

No. I wish. Anyway, is she the youngest Oscar nominee?

Yes, at age nine, Quvenzhané is the youngest nominee in Oscar history. If she wins, she will beat the record of youngest Oscar winner held by Tatum O’Neal, who was 10 when she won for her role in ‘Paper Moon.’ Based on O’Neal’s life post-Oscar win, it should be smooth sailing for Wallis. Why, if one just, say, Googles “Tatum O’Neal,” they’ll find a rich tapestry of performances and a life of — Oh dear. Oh no. Someone call child services now. This isn’t going to end well.

Any frontrunners for Best Picture?

The smart money is on ‘Argo.’ ‘Smart Money’ is also the title of an upcoming romantic comedy Mila Kunis will be plugging while presenting the Oscar for Best Live Action Short. Kunis stars as Mary Smart, a no-nonsense hedge fund manager who is unlucky in love. But what happens when she meets a handsome Ponzi schemer (Gerard Butler) who is looking to bilk her company and sweep her off her feet? This summer, the smart money’s on love!

Mila Kunis Romantic Comedy
Christine Gritmon

Is ‘Argo’ historically accurate?

While an entertaining thrill ride filled with thrills, many critics have quibbled at the way the Canadian government’s role in the hostage rescue was minimized in favor of promoting the CIA. But at least director Ben Affleck cast a Mexican-American actor in the role of CIA agent Tony Mendez and not himself. That would just be absurd.

Tony Mendez  Ben Affleck
Getty Images

Separated at birth?

Will Helen Hunt win for ‘Amour’? I heard that movie is really depressing.

Sadly, you’re mistaken. Helen Hunt is nominated for ‘The Sessions,’ a drama about the relationship between a poet with an iron lung and his “sex surrogate” (played by Hunt).

Shut up. That’s not a real movie.

Amazingly, it is.

Wow. Moving on…is it true that Daniel Day-Lewis stayed in character the whole time while filming ‘Lincoln’?

Yes. According to The Sun, Mr. Day-Lewis insisted that the cast and crew call him “Sir” or “Mr. Lincoln” and would even text his costars in character. To fully show his commitment to the time period, Day-Lewis would then throw his iPhone to the ground and exclaim, “What demonry be this??”

Which of these funny voices will host Seth MacFarlane do during his monologue: Stewie Griffin, Huckleberry Hound or Roberto Benigni?

All of the above. And wait’ll you hear his Willow Smith impression.

Happy Oscar night!

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