Jennifer Aniston and Kim Kardashian Are Single Again, Katie Holmes Had a Breakdown + More in This Week’s Tabloids
We read Life & Style, OK!, Star, National Enquirer and In Touch — so you don’t have to. We’ve always been givers.
This week, Kate Middleton and Kim Kardashian are happy about their babies and their nurseries even though we’re so over it, Justin Theroux made Jennifer Aniston furrow her pretty little brow, Miley Cyrus tells her dad she’s going to achy break his leg, Blake Shelton gets fat for love, Hillary Clinton can’t keep her sex scandal a secret anymore – and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.
Life & Style
In case you hadn’t noticed, Kate Middleton and Kim Kardashian have been expecting summer babies. Life & Style wanted to make sure we didn’t forget about this, so they got the scoop on the baby joy and showed us these two ladies’ first days as new moms.
Of course only one of them IS a new mom at this point, but we’re still fed photos from inside their dream nurseries and forced to hear about diaper changes and sleepless nights. You know, again.
(Honestly, if celebrities collectively stopped breeding, we’re not sure the tabs could survive.)
Meanwhile, there are exclusive pics from some of the Real Housewives’ new wedding albums. Something’s always confused us about this reality franchise — we don’t like to put too fine a point on it, but if you aren’t married, are you actually a housewife?
But we guess that doesn’t matter. They aren’t real either, so clearly it’s just a clever name. Anyway, almost anything is better than another photo of the Kardashian nursery.
Surprisingly, one of the Real Housewives is actually still married: Melissa of ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ says “sex saved my marriage.” Look, we’ve seen the show. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the two people having sex are the ones in the marriage. But, hey, whatever works. Congrats! (Please don’t have a baby. We can’t stand any more nursery pics.)
But wait, we haven’t escaped reproductive reminders just yet, because Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan have shared the first baby photo of brand new, teeny tiny Everly. And while it’s always great to see a hot guy being a daddy, we’d still rather just look at promo pics from ‘Magic Mike.’
In the worst news of the week, Justin Theroux has made a shocking mistake and caused a wedding disaster. Jen Aniston apparently canceled her dream ceremony and then told friends, “This is the most difficult decision I’ve ever made.”
As for that mistake, we hope it wasn’t anything dull like infidelity (so overdone) and something more like “he wanted the wedding colors to be teal and coral.” Because some things truly are unforgivable. Anyway, the silver lining here is that it looks like Jen’s available again. Fellas?
In other news, it’s been almost a month since the baby was born, so it’s about time this happened: Kim and Kanye are splitting. In fact, they’re already living separate lives. If they were gonna embody a Phil Collins song, you’d think it would’ve been ‘Easy Lover.’ (Sorry not sorry.)
Ooh. We were shocked to find out that Amanda Bynes has been involved in a psych ward drama. But since she keeps insisting she’s not crazy, getting her into one of those places is still proving pretty tricky.
We’re surprised no one has thought of this yet, but couldn’t you just lure her into a psych ward by telling her it was a twerking contest with the top prize being a collection of really horrible wigs with the sunglasses already attached? Might be worth a try.
We’re glad we were sitting down when we read that Kim Kardashian was a delivery room diva, because the shock would’ve otherwise knocked us right on our asses.
Seriously, is it any wonder that she gave birth in designer heels? What better time to show off the red soles of your Christian Louboutin stilettos than when your feet are in stirrups?
She’s also being smart and planning an immediate tummy tuck. Hey, she’s already in the hospital. Might as well.
Plus, Star also knows why Kimmy K’s mom Kris hates the baby’s name, North West. She’s just devastated because there’s no ‘K’. Even a silent one would have been acceptable. On the first name, of course, not the last. (Be sensible, you guys. “Kwest” would just be silly.)
They’re a bit late on this, but Star had the shocking photos of TV chef Nigella Lawson being choked by her advertising icon husband, Charles Saatchi, in public. Word on the street is that she’s really going to cook his goose for this.
Miley Cyrus is devastated about her parents’ divorce, because she’s way too busy making indescribably weird music videos to have two Christmases. But maybe those dual-personality pants she recently wore were a cry for help.
Hillary Clinton has been caught in a sex scandal cover-up. And, as cool as we think she is, we’d prefer she keep her sexual exploits covered up, thanks.
First, there are the bombshell secrets she hid from Bill, but, come on, he deserves that. The worst of it is the truth about Hillary and her (female) deputy chief of staff.
Some things are just better left a secret. We don’t want the next Hillary meme to involve NSFW gifs of her and famous lesbians, do we?
In other breaking news, Paula Deen’s racist confessions have been exposed on video. Apparently, the National Enquirer just now realized that Paula Deen had her own show. (Ask nicely and the Food Network will probably even hook you up with some archives.)
Aw. Katie Holmes broke down. No, she’s not stuck on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike with her tires missing — some devastating news pushed her to the brink. We think that’s just east of the turnpike. It was nice of the devastating news to at least push her that far, but unfortunately, if the photo is any indication, all her makeup was stolen along with her tires.
Hey look, the Cleveland Kidnap Girl has a new life! Of course, if the National Enquirer had any respect for that life, they’d leave her alone. Instead, they have the first photo of Amanda Berry since she escaped that monster. But it’s cool. We’re sure the victim of a kidnapping isn’t at all worried about her privacy or anything.
In signature dramatic fashion, In Touch let us know that Kim Kardashian had a baby breakdown. According to them she said, “I just can’t do this!” Duh.
Seems she was ditched by Kanye again. Maybe someone should tell her that every time he goes to the bathroom he’s not actually ditching her. He’s just leaving the room. Otherwise every week will be the hardest week of her life.
Also, the tabloid was clearly taken over by aliens this week. For once, hooray, they had a story about curvy beach bodies. And it wasn’t offensive! Well, no more offensive than any other beach body story that objectifies and judges celebrities for trying to have a swim in something more comfortable than a nun’s habit.
Hmm. Amanda Bynes claimed that her recent behavior is all an act. Does that make her crazy or cunning? We don’t know about all that, but we do know the one thing it does make her is incredibly annoying. We can’t be the only ones suffering a severe case of Bynes Fatigue.
Finally, Blake Shelton packed on 50 pounds because of marriage stress. Aw, we think it’s sweet that he’s growing a food baby while his wife grows real (and by “real” we mean “not real at all but the tabloids say they are”) babies. Miranda probably appreciates the sympathy. Like they say, the couple that gets fat together stays together. Maybe because no one else will want them. Anyway, eat up, Blake!